JMikePatt

Sometimes the hardest thing to admit is that you’ve been running on a tank full of someone else’s gas. For a long time, I was looking for women to tell me I was okay, mostly because I never felt like I was "good enough" for the men who were supposed to matter. It’s a hell of a thing to realize you’ve been carrying around a mirror that doesn't even show you. It just shows the ghosts and the failures of the people who came before you. I’m starting to see that all that fear I had wasn't just a weight. It was a teacher. It taught me how to survive when things got loud and messy. But the circle is closing now. I’m finding out that who I was is exactly who I’m supposed to be, and I don't need a permission slip from the past to get there. I’m standing where my parents stood, facing the same kind of choices they had to make. It’s the kind of walk you have to take by yourself, but for the first time, it doesn't feel lonely. It just feels quiet. The past is finally star...

We spend our whole lives being handed a script. From the moment we step into a classroom, we are trained to read to retain, not read to research. We are taught to memorize the thoughts of other men, adopt their definitions, and wear the specific glasses they lock onto our heads. They call it education, but it is really just the process of domestication. It is the machine building compliance. Once you are trained to accept a pre-packaged narrative, you become the perfect consumer for the modern salesman. These salesmen stand on the global stage with titles like world leader, celebrity, or corporate executive. We look at them and see power, but if you look closer, they aren't leaders at all. They are just the highly rewarded managers of the illusion. They are pulling the levers and speaking into the microphones provided by the people who wrote the blueprint, using tailored terminology to funnel our energy and our wealth straight up to the top of the pyramid. The biggest trick the mac...

I spent a lot of time trying to look like what everyone else wanted. I thought if I just played the part well enough, I would finally get noticed. But then the one person I actually wanted to notice me just looked away. When that light goes off, you realize you do not even know who you are without the mask. So you put it back on just to survive and get some sleep. It is exhausting to dance for people, and it is just as bad to fall into the total dark when they stop looking. That is why I like the grey. The grey is my area to play and think. In the light, you have to perform, and in the dark, you just crash. But the grey is neutral. It is the place where you can look at your life and figure things out without all the heavy feelings getting in the way. Going to sleep is the hardest part because that is when the darkness tries to grab you. It is a game of who catches who off guard. If you embrace it first, then you get to lead the dance. If you let it catch you, then it leads, and that hu...

 

It took me losing my heart and soul to realize that I was not who I thought I was. The past couple of years have been a straight-up beating my ass, but they taught me a big lesson: no matter how much pain I am in, I have to keep growing. Growing pains never stop. They really don't. And the hardest pill to swallow? The hurt I went through was brought on by me. There is no one else to blame. I had a choice, and I made the best choice I could at the time with the knowledge I had. Every single day, I have another choice to make. I might not know if it’s right or wrong at the time, but at least I’m making it, and I have to learn from it. I’m not really sure how to say this right, but if I wronged or hurt anyone in my past, or even right now, I am truly sorry. The loss I experienced was life-changing. Honestly? It was the exact kick in the balls that I needed. I was hiding from everything for the past couple of years. I shut down. But now, I am engaging again, even if someone calls me ou...

10 years ago today, at 10:30 am, was the last time that I smoked a cigarette. Little did I know it would change my life the way it did. The majority would say it was for the better, and I do agree, but when a mind and body are used to something, and we stop it, it creates a change that we are not aware of until many years later. That habit was what kept me level-headed, and now maintaining that type of mentality is not easy. I have never craved a cigarette since. Now I have to work on something else to keep me level-headed, and I am not one to try big pharma, as those, too, are not good for a person. It is time to go with what God and Mother Nature provide us to maintain both physical and mental health. 

I spent some time today looking at charts of how colorblind people see the world because a parent of mine is colorblind. They have always told me that purple is just blue to them. When you look at the actual science of it, you see they are not just making it up. Their eyes literally do not pick up the red that makes purple what it is. It made me realize that we spend so much of our lives trying to get people to see exactly what we see, but that is physically impossible. We are created equal, but we are most definitely not the same. We all walk around in these vessels that have different DNA and different ways of processing the world. I used to be so concerned with the style and the image of my vessel that I became a prisoner of my own mind. We tell people not to judge a book by its cover, but we do it every single day. We look at the outside and think we know the soul inside. But the truth is, the vessel is just the container. The real stuff is the interpersonal DNA and the mindset tha...

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the way I react when things don’t go according to plan. I never used to be a guy who needed a strict schedule. I was a "go with the flow" type for most of my life. But then life decided to throw some heavy punches. Punches I am not ready to share. Suddenly I found myself holding onto my routine like a life raft. If the plan changed I got upset. Not just "annoyed" but truly bothered in a way that felt hard to explain. Then came the news about my parent. When I look at my parent now I’m seeing a mirror. I see the same traits, the same rigidity, and the same struggle when the world doesn't line up the way they expect. It’s a traumatic shift when you realize you’re dancing with the same devil your parent is. The thing is the doctors and the textbooks can tell you about genes and symptoms. They can give you the medical names for why the brain starts to lock up. But they can’t tell you what it feels like to be standing in...

I saw it coming yesterday. I watched the clouds moving in and I didn't reach for an umbrella. Truth is, I think I might have left the door wide open on purpose. There’s this constant tug of war between what I want and what I need. Usually, I try to stay on top of the needs because people say that is what you are supposed to do. But that phrase is a trap. When someone says that is what I am supposed to do, I have to wonder: how do they know who I am when I don't even know who I am? Today, the wants are winning, and what I want is to just fade out a bit. I’m standing right on the edge of that grey area. Most people would tell you to run the other way, back to the light and the productive stuff. But there’s a part of me that just wants to wade in deeper and let the water go over my head. There’s a strange kind of peace in being swallowed up. When you’re under the surface, you don't have to be the person everyone expects you to be. You don't have to answer the bells or chec...

Everybody is always screaming for the lights to be turned on. They think if they can see everything, they can fix it. Or worse, they think if they can see it, they have the right to tell me I’m looking at it wrong. But here’s the thing I’ve figured out: The lights are just for the judges. When the room is bright, people start pointing fingers. They tell you that you don't know what you're talking about. They tell you that what’s in your head "isn't good" or "isn't right." So, eventually, you just learn to shut up. You shut yourself down before they can do it for you. It’s easier to be silent than to be told you're wrong about your own damn life. But when the lights go out? That’s when I can actually see. People are terrified of the dark. They’re scared of what they can’t see, because if they can’t see it, they can’t control it. They fumble around looking for a switch because the "not knowing" makes them shake. But me? I’ve been in the s...

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz in 1900 wasn’t just spinning a fairy tale for children he was documenting the birth of the modern machine. He looked at the turn of the century and saw exactly where humanity was heading. He saw that if a salesman has good enough showmanship he can make an ordinary illusion look like an all powerful reality. For a long time I didn’t see my life as a journey. But when you look at the architecture of the world you realize everything is a plan. The machine has a plan to funnel your attention your data and your sovereignty into its corporate tower. But you also have a personal plan a journey of awakening that starts the moment you decide to look behind the fabric of what you are being shown. Think about the characters Baum gave us a century ago and how they mirror the trap we walk into today. The Tin Man was a man who cut off his own natural parts one by one replacing them with tin until he was entirely mechanical and heartless. That is the exact blueprint of mod...

We spend our whole lives being handed a script. From the moment we step into a classroom, we are trained to read to retain, not read to research. We are taught to memorize the thoughts of other men, adopt their definitions, and wear the specific glasses they lock onto our heads. They call it education, but it is really just the process of domestication. It is the machine building compliance. Once you are trained to accept a pre-packaged narrative, you become the perfect consumer for the modern salesman. These salesmen stand on the global stage with titles like world leader, celebrity, or corporate executive. We look at them and see power, but if you look closer, they aren’t leaders at all. They are just the highly rewarded managers of the illusion. They are pulling the levers and speaking into the microphones provided by the people who wrote the blueprint, using tailored terminology to funnel our energy and our wealth straight up to the top of the pyramid. The biggest trick the machine...

Sometimes I think the best thing a person can do is stop asking for advice. I have been looking at my own life and realizing that when I go out looking for someone to tell me what to do, it is really just a way to stay unaccountable for my own actions. If I do what you say and it fails, then I can blame you. But if I search my own experience for the truth, then the result belongs to me and me alone. Seeking advice often serves as a shield against accountability, and I am realizing that searching my own experience provides the only truth I can actually own. I have also noticed that some people seek advice by asking very specific questions just to get the answer they already want. They are not looking for the truth. They are looking for someone to validate their thought process, even if it is not the right choice. It makes them feel safe to have someone else agree with them, but it just keeps them stuck in the same place. It is just another way to avoid being responsible for the outcome....

 As I continue to work on me I learn more bout myself through the action of others. This is a totally different type of awareness that I am not familiar with. Little did I know that the leader I was not intentionally following would be the person that I became. Now that I see how their actions developed my actions it is too late to fix anything from the past but apologizing for it is something that can be done to releave the baggage that comes with it.

I was sitting at the bowling alley the other day just watching the league play and it hit me how much data is just floating around in the air. It is actually kind of scary when you really look at it. You got these standing sheets lying on tables and names up on the big screens for everyone to see. Some of these sheets even have birthdays on them. Some got the year and some dont but it does not really matter. People think a data breach only happens on a computer but this is a breach in plain sight. If it is not glowing on a screen nobody even thinks twice about it. I know how this works because I used to do it the old fashioned way. Before I even met my partner I was already looking into things. I got information the analog way and then used that to find out even more. I did not have bad intentions. I was just truly drawn to her soul but it shows you how easy it is. Now that the digital world is here it is a thousand times easier and people are just sleepwalking through it. It is like t...

I spent a lot of years in the inventory business, and it changed how I see the world. When you spend all day looking at the actual cost of an item versus what the store charges, you see a lot of things that the average person misses. Most people are just following along with whatever is easiest, but once you see how the gears are turning, you realize that convenience is just a trap to keep the machine fed. The Charity Scam at the Register You know when you are at the store, and the PIN pad asks if you want to round up your change for a charity? I always decline. A lot of people think the store is just stealing a tax break, but it is actually about their image. They are using your hard-earned money to make themselves look like the good guys. They get to put out a press release saying they raised millions of dollars for a cause when it was actually you and me who paid for it. Plus, if you use anything but cash, they are just tracking your data to see what kind of person you are. I would ...

I have been thinking a lot lately about how people try to rank pain. They act as if you do not have a black eye or a broken bone then maybe it is not that bad. But that is just wrong. Abuse is abuse. It does not matter if it is physical or verbal or mental. The stuff you cannot see is sometimes the hardest to deal with. When someone messes with your head or tries to make you feel like you are crazy that is just as much of a hit as a punch. But here is the hard truth I am starting to see. Sometimes when you are getting hit like that you start hitting back the same way. You start using those same head games and reverse tactics just to survive or to try and get some control back. It is easy to become just as guilty of the same things you hate. You find yourself acting like a person you do not even recognize because you are trying to fight fire with fire. But when you use those tactics it is still a hit. It does not matter if you started it or if you are just defending yourself. It still a...

 

 

 

 

 

A few years ago my kid asked me a question that stuck in my head like a burr on a wool blanket. They asked what are you running from. Back then I had my answer all ready. I told them I was not running. I told them I was chasing my dreams. At the time I did not even realize that was a lie. I really believed it. But looking back now I see that the truth is I was running. I have been running so long I forgot what it felt like to just stand still. I started running when I was real young. I spent my whole life running from that one phrase I hate the most and that is "supposed to." I was running from what I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do for everyone else. I wish I had made the choice after high school to actually chase my dreams instead of running from the dreams of others. After my child was born I decided to do what needed to be done to provide for my family. I got divorced and I did not fight for them. Part of me died at that time. I just kept my feet moving b...

I have been at this for more than twenty years. I spent all that time trying to keep things steady and being the strong one, so everyone else felt safe. I followed the supposed method, which is just the way the world tells you how to be a useful man and a logical partner. I thought I was doing it for them, but if I am being honest, it was a survival tactic I picked up as a kid. I learned early that to get what I wanted or just to stay safe, I had to be someone I was not. I had to make myself a legend in my own mind just to survive, but eventually that legend became my prison. I was not just protecting myself from the world; I was protecting the world from me. I built this logical manager persona as a straitjacket because I knew that if I let my real feelings out, the world would have crushed me. I locked that part of me in the dark and became the guy everyone was accustomed to. But eventually that good version of me just wore out. My heart and soul did not just get lost; they died. I b...

 I started bowling when I was six years old. I didn’t pick it because I loved it; I picked it because that’s what my family did. I was always more into music and skating, but I stayed with bowling because I liked the people. I stayed for the community, but that’s the part that ended up taking me down a dark path. People like to argue about the game today. They say thumbless bowling is cheating or that the new technology is ruining the "roots" of the sport. I was told that the game was 90% mental. It’s the bowler against the elements. If you’re sitting there worrying about another man’s thumb, you’ve already lost the mental game. You’re letting him win before you even pick up your ball. Back when I coached high school, I’d pair my quietest kid against the loudest smack-talker. I knew the quiet one would win most of the time. Why? Because when the loudmouth can’t get a reaction, he starts to spiral. He starts questioning himself. That’s the mental game. But I had to learn that ...