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Whispers in the Silence

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I wish I could start getting messages from loved ones who have passed away. My fear of the spiritual world grew stronger during the time when people passed away when I was younger. I could feel their presence when they passed, but then after that, nothing. Was it because I could not explain the feelings or dreams, or was it that I was taught to fear anything outside our religious beliefs? Either way, my fear grew stronger, so I would close off anything related to it. Before Mom passed, I felt the presence of an old girlfriend. It was one I was not prepared for, but I guess you can say she is my guardian angel. I felt her presence several years before Mom passed, and then the moment I realized she was gone, so was Mom. This was a feeling I had never experienced. Yes, it was painful, but also good knowing that the spirits were preparing me for this moment, and Mom too. I felt Mom's presence at times, and I am not sure if she is still with me, but it is just like we never know God is ...
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Behind the Mask

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We spend a lot of time trying to fit into what other people expect, but if you really look at it, those people don’t even live by the rules they want us to follow. Truth is, everybody has a dark side. Having messed up or heavy thoughts doesn't mean you are a monster, it just means you are human. Having a thought is one thing, acting on it is something else. But people panic the second you speak on it. I learned that the hard way. Somebody asked me a real question once about hurting myself or others, and I gave a real answer: who hasn't thought about that? Next thing I knew, they treated me like I lost my mind and sent me off for evaluation. A couple days later the doctors sent me home because I was fine. Another time, my parents thought I was high when I was actually going through withdrawals. That ended the same way. Those moments taught me one main thing, and that was to keep my mouth shut. I started putting on a mask just to make everybody else feel comfortable, while on the...
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Shattered but still here

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Rejection is all that I have faced my entire life. Sure, rejection happens to everyone, and some can move forward while others can't. It's not because of the rejection; it could be that it is the first rejection was something they were passionate about but came from someone who said, that's not what you are supposed to do.  It's when that rejection is provided in such a way that it is interpreted as you aren't good enough. Knowing damn well I am or was good enough. Just not good enough for you. But yet, you're still in my damn head.  You're only in my heart because you have to be, but in a heart that you shattered because it was always about your wants and never about helping others.  Helping others was your way of getting what you want. A transactional relationship that was in your favor and nobody else.  That shattered heart that you created is the same heart that you are holding on to because there isn't anyone else to let you into their heart.  I rea...
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Just Human

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We live in a world obsessed with pushing labels on everybody. Political parties, religion, male, female, heterosexual, homosexual, skin color, and now even ethnicity have been boiled down to bureaucratic categories like Hispanic and non-Hispanic. It is all designed to shove human beings into neat little boxes so systems can manage, count, and divide us. People talk about unity and diversity, but then turn around and use those exact same labels to separate people. Calling names over political parties or beliefs is no different than bullying. Media and political platforms call it freedom of speech, but really it just fuels the fire and keeps people at each other's throats. I do not judge people by their political party or their church. When people lead with those things, they are often just repeating a script that somebody else wrote for them. It takes zero effort to adopt a group's talking points, but it takes real backbone to build a life, pull yourself up, overcome real obstac...
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Between Me and God

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I spent the night staring at the ceiling again. Somebody asked me if I couldn't sleep because I had a guilty conscience. I told them no, but the truth is I've been thinking about that kind of stuff my whole life. Lord knows I've done my share of wrong, and those old mistakes still try to play on repeat in my mind even though I know where true morals lie. What I got to answer for is between God and me. If other folks think it's their business, that is just their own emotional damage talking because they're not using their heads. It got me remembering the very first time I felt guilty about something I did. Truth is, I didn't feel any remorse for it at all. I just took that uneasy feeling and hid it right behind anger. Anger is easy. It acts like a shield so you don't have to sit there feeling exposed. Then I thought about how crazy it is for someone to preach to me about morals when they turned around and said those famous words, don't tell anyone. That r...
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The Battle Inside Me

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As I sit here trying to figure out what to write, all I can do is focus on this pain. It is the kind of pain I brought on myself without even realizing it, just from choices I made back then. This pain does not go away and it does not get any easier to live with. It is changing who I am, and I brought that on myself. Is it making me weaker or stronger? Today I feel like it makes me stronger, but there are plenty of days where it leaves me feeling completely weak. This tug of war has been going on inside me my whole life, but this time feels like the final battle. It is taking forever, and this pain is going to stay with me until the day I die. Not because I want it to be like this, but because I made a choice to change things. Now I have to live with what I built. Respect goes a lot further than people realize. But real respect has to start with me respecting who I am, instead of pretending to be what everybody else wants me to be. What choice do I have to make to create a change?
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Deeper Than Pain

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Welcome to my world. Not the stuff they feed you... but the kind of truth you only find when you sit in the dark long enough to see your own spark. Question everything. That is how I found out what is real. This used to be my life. But now... it is going way deeper. Past the hurt. Past the brainwashing. Past everything they told me to believe. I ain't trying to change your mind. I ain't trying to prove I am right. I am just keeping it real. And if something inside you is waking up... then maybe... just maybe... You are ready to go deeper too.
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